I read back over the last two entries and realized I have not said what I really wanted to say. Maybe that is why it has taken me six months to write about it, as it is hard to put it into words. The surgery that I thought would heal my back, did not. After three months and much pain, I found myself having the surgery all over again. A gamut of emotions ran through me, sometimes I felt vulnerable, frightened, hopeful and discouraged, to mention only a few. But mostly I tried to stay positive through it all...I realized from the beginning that this would be a time of incredible healing for me, and it has been. This experience has brought with it many ways to experience a deeper level of healing than I would have imagined.
I realized that my body had learned at an early age what it needed to do to protect me. It did a wonderful job and when this injury happened, it again did what it knew how to do; tighten the muscles to protect the body from further pain. But now, my body needed to "let go" so the muscles could relax and begin to heal. It was so evident that even with the work I had done on my past, my body still carried the trauma. I used guided imagery, Reiki, massage and energy work to facilitate this process. But the most important thing I did, was to begin to thank my body on a regular basis for everything it had done for me. This was and still is a powerful and awesome thing for me to experience. I call it Sweetness in the belly...it is that place inside us where all things come together; the deep hurt pain of the trauma and expressing deep love and honor for that body that endured it. It is a process of deciding to really love yourself and your body and giving it what it needs to heal.
I have found that when something bad happens to people they tend to shut the windows and lock the doors and pretend that everything is really just fine. In the past, that was my mode of operation too. To let people in would have made me too vulnerable and no one likes to in that place. This idea fosters the belief that we can take care of things our self...thank you very much. This time I knew I could not do this alone nor should I. So if I would allow people to encourage, support and help me through this, it would be important to pay attention to the feelings that come up in me...and that they did. There it is again...that place of sweetness in the belly, the place where our deepest vulnerability meets our deepest desire to receive the blessings others have to offer.
And lastly, I experienced yet another level of forgiveness for both my dad and the man who molested and raped me. It is hard for me to put into words because there was not anything more I had to talk through or do; this was something that I was feeling and experiencing. In meditation I would often feel great compassion for these two men and send them light. So there is was again, that place of being able to hold both the anguish of what they did and forgiveness and love for them.
I think I have said the things I wanted to say for now, but who knows what else may be coming. I look at this journey with a bit of wonder and awe at life for always bringing us what we need to learn and somehow we are blessed by the process itself. I am grateful for everyone in my life who has extended their love and support and I acknowledge Spirit for coming to that place I now call, Sweetness in the belly.
Blessings,
Sandy
Sandy Thibault is a speaker, author and life coach at Burnsville Counseling and Healing Center. She is also co-founder of the Institute for Peace and Joy. To make an appointment for call 952-435-4144 or go to www.counselingandhealing.com
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