Sweetness In The Belly...Continued

I have the most perfect place to write this entry. I am sitting on my deck looking at the deer in the preserve behind our house. It is a gorgeous evening to be writing outside...So, here is more of my experience.

A whole wave of emotions moved through me in those first few days...anger that I had yet another reminder of what had happened to me all those years ago. I felt scared as the pain increased in my right and I began to limp. My emotions were up and down as I looked deep inside for answers. I have done a lot to heal my life and really felt I was moving past many of the triggers and traps that had kept me stuck. So I took another deeper look...what did I still need to look at? What still needed to be forgiven? What is the blessing in this? After all, I knew in the deepest part of myself that this healing was about healing mind, body and spirit. My mind had went over the memories to often to recall and my unconscious mind understood that I could never change what happened to me, but I could and have changed my relationship to it. Over the years, I had spent much time forgiving the people who hurt me...but now it would happen at an even deeper level.

One day in meditation I saw myself looking face to face with the man who had sexually abused me. I observed myself looking into his eyes with compassion as I said thank you to him. Somehow I understood that what happened to me and what I learned about healing was for me to share with others. I'm not sure what had happened in his life that made him do the things he did to me but I felt great compassion for him and a understanding that this was part of my path. I can't tell you why growing up the way I did was my path...but I will tell you looking back it was clear I had been given a gift...to share my story in a way that might help others heal.

I was on all kinds of meds to help me until the surgery in mid-February but I also used other things to help me. I spent much in meditation asking for insight and clarity to help me understand. One day I quite simply realized that this was about moving the trauma out of my body. My muscles were taught early what to do to protect me, they did their job well but now it was time to let go. They were tight and spasming around my injury...the only thing is they could not tell the difference between this new injury and the hurts from long ago. You have heard the words...issues in the tissues...well, that is what I am talking about. But safety is a big issue, but thru guided imagery, I was able to just be with my body and start to let myself feel what had been hidden in my muscles. Sometimes we leave our bodies when the pain gets to much too tolerate...and I was good at it. Sometimes it was just too hard to stay with the pain and yet thsat is what we have to do. So now it was about stating present with the pain in my back and staying present to what it brought up. Easy...of course not, that is why we need each other...I knew many people were sending kind thoughts and saying prayers for my healing. When I would sit quietly I could feel the energy of those intentions my friends were sending my way and I could feel the presence of God in each thought and prayer.

I urge all of you to take five minutes to day and be full present with your body. Notice the places of discomfort and simply what your feelings. There is nothing to say or do except to send light and love to that part of you that hurts.

More next week...Blessings to you.

Sandy
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