It's been a while since I have added something new to this blog. It is not like me...I always write about about what has inspired me, what has intrigued me or made me wonder as I stood in awe of something miraculous. But whatever it is I write about it comes from my experience and the deepest part of my heart. For the last six months however, I have been quiet in my writing, not writing about something that has been going on in my life and the tremendous learning from it. Why I have been so quiet? I'm exactly sure but a week ago I had an insight that as soon I started writing about this experience it would offer healing to myself and others.
It was in mid-December that I started to have an incredible pain in my lower back that ran down by right leg. At the beginning I thought it was nothing that would not go away in a few days, but by Christmas I was in incredible pain that seemed to get worse by the day. I tried a few sessions of physical therapy with no relief and was soon sent for an MRI. Most often, the doctor is the person who gives you the report but I got mine as I went for my last physical therapy appointment. She told me I had a herniated and fragmented disc the was laying at a place where many nerves comes together causing the extreme pain. She said she could nothing to help me and I would need surgery. This is not the worst thing, it happens to many people.
But it what she said next and what my body already knew that made me know this had much greater depth to it than a simple surgery. For a good share of my childhood I was severely abused in many ways. Even though it took me weeks to acknowledge it, I knew that this pain in my back was the same as when my dad used to kick me in my lower back and butt with his cowboy boots or steel tipped work boots. As I sat with the physical therapist, she told me that I was way more likely to have this happen to me than most people. She explained that she could see from the report that my spine had some abnormality to it. When I asked her about it, she said it was from previous injuries...Her words sat hard, and I'm sure she saw it too. Finally I told her about what had happened to me growing up and asked the question I never wanted to ask...is the reason for what has happened now? I don't think she wanted to give me the answer any more than I wanted to hear, but she had to say it and I had to hear it. We sat in silence...I fought back tears and she offered her hand and said I'm sorry. I felt like I was experiencing the abuse all over again.
That's when I realized that the surgery was a small part of this and healing would come in a deep and profound understanding and learning on many levels. I did not even understand what it all meant, but I knew without a doubt that I could not do it alone.
Paula, my friend and business partner, asked if she could inform the staff of what was in front of me and ask for thoughts and prayers. Even though I am open about my story, I felt vulnerable and wanted to cover my ache without anyone knowing. But we are a healing center and teach others that we they need each other and it is no different for us. So the email went out and my road to healing at a deep level... body, mind and spirit began to unfold.
I can't tell it all at once but this is a beginning for me to talk about what this experience has been like. It is good for my soul to write and maybe you will see a bit of yourself or have a flash of insight for yourself, but regardless, when we share our stories we are a blessing to each other.
As for the title of this...Sweetness In The Belly...you will have to wait for more entries to know why it has been given this name.
Blessings,
Sandy
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